How The Soviets Stole Christmas

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How The Soviets Stole Christmas

Off Camera

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“Christmas!  New Year’s!  BAH HUMBUG!”

No, this isn’t the voice of Ebenezer Scrooge.  This is the voice of Karina Lysneko, someone who is definitely lacking in the holiday spirit; to be perfectly honest, she’s lacking in pretty much any spirit at all.  She’s almost always angry and upset about something.  Things are no different as she walks the floors of a mall in Toronto with her good friend Anastasia Ivanova.

Therein lies another interesting wrinkle in all of this; Anastasia isn’t exactly what you would call a ‘true friend’ as much as she is an accomplice.  Anastasia Tatyana Ivanova is the daughter of Nicola Ivanova, a Russian prostitute that once worked for the Bratva, the Russian Mafia.  Bart Jones, father of future wrestling stars Angelica and Kayla Jones and an agent for the FBI, was overseas on a rogue trip to assassinate a member of the Bratva that he felt was responsible for his wife’s death.  While overseas, Bart met Nicola and felt moved to adopt her child, Anastasia, as his own and brought her back to the United States, away from the dangers of The Russian Mafia.

Anastasia was originally born in Pripyat, Ukraine; yes, the site of the Chernobyl accident.  As far as Karina knows, her friend’s mother took Anastasia and moved out of the area almost one year to the day before the accident.  Whether that’s true is anyone’s guess.  Point is, Karina knows that something happened to Anastasia’s mind during her childhood.  Could have been the disaster?  Could have been just a perfect storm of societal trauma, having a mother used and abused by the Russian Mafia and then being taken away from her mother’s arms by Bart Jones?  Whether nature or nuture, Karina knows that her friend is a deranged lunatic; a verifiable psychotic.

Karina just doesn’t care.  Karina has a friend and ally willing to back her up in her schemes and that’s all that matters to her.  Anastasia doesn’t care about Karina’s socialist or communist leanings so long as she can use it as an excuse to hurt someone.

In a weird, twisted way, it is a perfect friendship.

“Something the matter, sestra?” Anastasia coos in a sing song voice as she almost skips down the halls of this mall.  The other shoppers ignore her almost eccentric or deranged mannerisms.

“Christmas is a cancer! And it isn’t just idiot pig-headed capitalist Americans!  It’s morons all over the world overfeeding themselves with food and materialism and it sickens me!”

“Sounds sickening…”

“IT IS!” Karina snaps angrily. “And you know why it is sickening?!”

“Because it gives you a nasty stomach ache?”

“NO!” Karina shakes her head. “It’s because on Christmas more than any other time on the calendar, these pigs care only about themselves and not about me!”

Suddenly Karina stops dead in her tracks and a look of pure hatred washes across her face as she spots something…something truly vile and heinous…

“DIE!!!!!”

“What is it, sestra?” Anastasia turns and spots the “vile” thing that Karina is looking at…a Dior poster featuring Bree Lancaster.  “Oh…”

“This is what I am talking about!  People like this, shilling themselves on a poster for money!” Karina exclaims.

“My mother did some shilling back in the day for money; only it wasn’t on a poster.  Usually it was on a very uncomfortable bed.”

“I am telling you now, Anastasia!  The time is now!  We must do something to stop Christmas from coming!”

“Not sure that is possible.” Anastasia sneers nastily. “But if it involves lots of pain and violence and bloodletting them count me in.”

“Oh I promise you, there will be PLENTY of violence…blood…and GORE!”

“Perfect.”

Karina

I hate Christmas…I really and truly do hate Christmas.  Do you know why?  Because morons like you eat like a bunch of greasy pigs and take more and more pointless little trinkets as if you needed anything else to add to your already gluttonous lifestyle all the while someone more deserving, someone like me, is COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY IGNORED!  Christmas is a CAPITALIST holiday which The Soviet Gingers will help topple.  Of course, we need funds to do this.  We happened upon this pathetic little battle royal Supreme Championship Wrestling is putting on and, just like any other capitalist hate monger, Mr. D and the little Misses D’s are offering a CASH prize and a damn luxury automobile to boot for the winner!  The Soviet Gingers will win this battle royal, sell the car for extra money, and then use the money to fund an ANTI-CHRISTMAS campaign the likes no one has ever seen before!

Anastasia

My friend Karina here can tend be a bit over exuberant when it comes to her political leanings.  You don’t have to worry about that with little old Anastasia.  But you should be afraid, very afraid; I’m in this thing not for politics or money or that nice little car.  I’m in this for sheer joy of punishment, violence, and brutality.  I am in this match for the joy of receiving pain and dishing out pain.  There is a reason I am known as The Crimson Nightmare.  It isn’t just a cute little gimmick I bestowed upon myself.  I am a nightmare to anyone and everyone who crosses my path and a match like this, which is just a glorified brawl, it brings a smile to my face!