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How The
Soviets Stole Christmas
Off Camera
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“Christmas!
New Year’s! BAH HUMBUG!”
No, this isn’t
the voice of Ebenezer Scrooge. This is
the voice of Karina Lysneko, someone who is definitely lacking in the holiday
spirit; to be perfectly honest, she’s lacking in pretty much any spirit at
all. She’s almost always angry and upset
about something. Things are no different
as she walks the floors of a mall in Toronto with her good friend Anastasia
Ivanova.
Therein lies
another interesting wrinkle in all of this; Anastasia isn’t exactly what you
would call a ‘true friend’ as much as she is an accomplice. Anastasia Tatyana Ivanova is the daughter of
Nicola Ivanova, a Russian prostitute that once worked for the Bratva, the
Russian Mafia. Bart Jones, father of
future wrestling stars Angelica and Kayla Jones and an agent for the FBI, was
overseas on a rogue trip to assassinate a member of the Bratva that he felt was
responsible for his wife’s death. While
overseas, Bart met Nicola and felt moved to adopt her child, Anastasia, as his
own and brought her back to the United States, away from the dangers of The
Russian Mafia.
Anastasia
was originally born in Pripyat, Ukraine; yes, the site of the Chernobyl
accident. As far as Karina knows, her
friend’s mother took Anastasia and moved out of the area almost one year to the
day before the accident. Whether that’s
true is anyone’s guess. Point is, Karina
knows that something happened to Anastasia’s mind during her childhood. Could have been the disaster? Could have been just a perfect storm of
societal trauma, having a mother used and abused by the Russian Mafia and then
being taken away from her mother’s arms by Bart Jones? Whether nature or nuture, Karina knows that
her friend is a deranged lunatic; a verifiable psychotic.
Karina just
doesn’t care. Karina has a friend and
ally willing to back her up in her schemes and that’s all that matters to
her. Anastasia doesn’t care about Karina’s
socialist or communist leanings so long as she can use it as an excuse to hurt
someone.
In a weird,
twisted way, it is a perfect friendship.
“Something the matter, sestra?”
Anastasia coos in a sing song voice as she almost skips down the halls of this
mall. The other shoppers ignore her
almost eccentric or deranged mannerisms.
“Christmas
is a cancer! And it isn’t just idiot pig-headed capitalist Americans! It’s morons all over the world overfeeding
themselves with food and materialism and it sickens me!”
“Sounds
sickening…”
“IT IS!”
Karina snaps angrily. “And you know why
it is sickening?!”
“Because it gives you a nasty stomach ache?”
“NO!” Karina shakes her head. “It’s because on Christmas more than any
other time on the calendar, these pigs care only about themselves and not about
me!”
Suddenly
Karina stops dead in her tracks and a look of pure hatred washes across her
face as she spots something…something truly vile and heinous…
“DIE!!!!!”
“What is it, sestra?” Anastasia turns
and spots the “vile” thing that Karina is looking at…a Dior poster featuring
Bree Lancaster. “Oh…”
“This is what I am talking about! People like this, shilling themselves on a
poster for money!” Karina exclaims.
“My mother did some shilling back in the day
for money; only it wasn’t on a poster.
Usually it was on a very uncomfortable bed.”
“I am telling you now, Anastasia! The time is now! We must do something to stop Christmas from
coming!”
“Not sure that is possible.” Anastasia
sneers nastily. “But if it involves lots
of pain and violence and bloodletting them count me in.”
“Oh I promise you, there will be PLENTY of
violence…blood…and GORE!”
“Perfect.”
Karina
I hate
Christmas…I really and truly do hate Christmas.
Do you know why? Because morons
like you eat like a bunch of greasy pigs and take more and more pointless
little trinkets as if you needed anything else to add to your already
gluttonous lifestyle all the while someone more deserving, someone like me, is
COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY IGNORED! Christmas
is a CAPITALIST holiday which The Soviet Gingers will help topple. Of course, we need funds to do this. We happened upon this pathetic little battle
royal Supreme Championship Wrestling is putting on and, just like any other capitalist
hate monger, Mr. D and the little Misses D’s are offering a CASH prize and a
damn luxury automobile to boot for the winner!
The Soviet Gingers will win this battle royal, sell the car for extra
money, and then use the money to fund an ANTI-CHRISTMAS campaign the likes no
one has ever seen before!
Anastasia
My friend
Karina here can tend be a bit over exuberant when it comes to her political
leanings. You don’t have to worry about
that with little old Anastasia. But you
should be afraid, very afraid; I’m in this thing not for politics or money or
that nice little car. I’m in this for
sheer joy of punishment, violence, and brutality. I am in this match for the joy of receiving
pain and dishing out pain. There is a
reason I am known as The Crimson Nightmare.
It isn’t just a cute little gimmick I bestowed upon myself. I am a nightmare to anyone and everyone who
crosses my path and a match like this, which is just a glorified brawl, it
brings a smile to my face!
